Author’s note: I wrote this short story in 2002, in a fiction writing class I took for fun at NYU. I was working at a record label, not many people had cell phones yet, and texting wasn’t a thing (which is pertinent to parts of the story when you read it now). I’m resisting strong urges to edit, leaving it intact as originally written.

The Song of Sol

Ana had just gotten home from work a few minutes prior. As was her ritual, she was in the middle of stripping off all her clothes and changing into something light and comfortable. She always felt the need to strip her workday off of her small build before starting her evening, no matter how much she loved her job. And as editor-in-chief of one of the largest rock magazines in the country, there was no question that she did in fact love her job. Even so, sometimes she felt something was missing. Some nights while she was home alone, she would almost admit to herself that maybe she did want a serious relationship after all. She was 28 years old, had been single for almost three years now, had sown a lot of wild oats, as the saying goes.

Her cell phone rang, snapping her to reality. Nik! She was expecting to hear from him soon, he would be back in the city that weekend; he’d been on the road with his band again for almost two months this time. She picked up the phone… Jason B cell on the display. Her shoulders dropped for a second, but the disappointment that it wasn’t Nik was quickly replaced by a mischievous smile. Haven’t seen Jason in a couple of weeks, he’s usually fun. She picked it up. “Hey, Jason,” she said, twirling a lock of her long, dark hair through two fingers, skipping the formality of “Hello?” that everyone still seems to use, even though with caller id you always know who it is.

“Wanna have sex? I’m outside your building.”

“Yes.” She was sure he could hear the smile in her voice. “You’re right outside? I’ll buzz you in.” She hung up her phone and walked to the buzzer by her door and held the button for a few seconds, then unlocked and opened her fifth-floor apartment door a crack so he could get in when he got up the stairs. She looked at the t-shirt in her hands that she had been about to put on, debated whether or not to bother putting it on now. At least one good thing about these non-serious relationships is the spontaneity. Who needs a serious relationship? For right now that didn’t matter, because her fun for the evening was on his way up to her apartment, as she pulled the little shirt on over her head.

***

Nik awoke with a slight hangover, in another nondescript hotel room. He tried to remember what city, or even state, they were in. He squinted towards the sliver of sunlight coming through the space between the curtains. Why don’t those damned things ever shut completely? He sat up and rubbed his face with his open hands, ran his fingers back through his longish, light brown hair as he inhaled deeply and yawned. He could hear some of the guys outside, probably coming back from breakfast. He expected to hear the pounding on his door any second.

The naked blonde in bed beside him almost jumped out of her skin when they hit, as if on cue. “Nik! Get up! We gotta hit the road in ten!” He could hear the guys snickering outside as they headed back to their own rooms to get their things.

“Nikolas Sol…” the blonde breathed his name dreamily, as she stretched and sat up with a sleepy smile on her face. He couldn’t remember her name…Tina? Teresa? Tracy? T, T, T something…shit. At least she was cute. He settled for a generic “mornin’ babe” and a half-effort smile. “Listen, uh, we’re outta here in like ten minutes. Sorry but no time for breakfast… or whatever…” His sleepy voice trailed off as he pushed his tall, lean frame off the bed and headed for the bathroom.

“That’s okay… I’ve gotta get back to…” whatever-her-name-is was saying. But he didn’t really care, and tuned her out as he shut the bathroom door.

A few minutes later they were both outside, looking as crumpled and used as they felt, his band members and tour manager waiting for him on the bus.

“So you’ll call me, right?” whatserface asked, as she tried to get him to make eye contact and fidgeted with her tiny outfit that looked horridly inappropriate in the morning sun. “I really had a great time with you last night.”

“Yeah, next time we’re in town…” Nik was looking at the toes of his boots kick the gravel in the parking lot. “I’m sorry, but I gotta run, the guys are waiting. Take care.” He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and a little hug, and stepped up into the bus with his duffle bag, leaving her standing alone in the gravel.

“Dude, you missed a pretty good breakfast today, that scary little diner across the street had some kick-ass omelets,” Stu, his guitar player said. “But that one was pretty cute, did you get her number?”

“Yeah, I got her number. I’m fuckin’ starving, too, thanks. You guys shoulda woke me up.” He picked up the bag of stale chips sitting on the tiny table, leftover from the previous night, and shoved a handful into his mouth. He sat down with them, looked at the video game they already had going, decided he wasn’t up for being awake just yet. “I gotta get some sleep. Didn’t get much last night.” He stood up, took a bottle of water from the cooler, then squeezed through the narrow lounge area to his tiny cubby-style bunk in the middle of the bus. He threw his bag in at the foot end, then crawled in and pulled the curtain. He tuned out the guys’ voices and the game. This shit gets old sometimes. He let himself drift back to sleep, as the bus lumbered out of the hotel lot, on their way to another city and people he might forget.

***

Two years earlier, Nik’s band was playing a small club in New York City on their first tour around the country. It was a small room; the bands could see everyone coming and going. About halfway through their set, he saw her for the first time. She entered with a group of friends; they got drinks first, not even looking at the stage. Nik was completely distracted when he saw her… by the black leather pants she was wearing, the small excuse for a shirt, her long, wavy, dark hair flowing down her back. He imagined burying his face into her hair and neck, and wrapping himself around her tiny body. He closed his eyes to try to refocus on the music.

Drinks in hand, Ana and her friends turned to face the stage. She literally gasped when she saw him for the first time. He was wearing a sleeveless black shirt, with jeans and black boots. She noticed the sweat glistening on his neck and shoulders and face, and wondered what he must taste and feel like. He looked her way and their eyes locked to each other. They each decided right then that they would have to meet that night.

After their set, Nik had to help his band load out their equipment, as they didn’t yet have roadies to do it for them. Nik tried to hurry himself and his band, since he knew their next show was a long drive away, and they wouldn’t be spending the night in the city. Ana kept her eyes on him as he carried equipment in and out of the side door. Every time he re-entered the club, they would glance and smile at each other, making sure there was no question about their mutual interest in meeting.

When Nik finally re-entered the club after their last load, he couldn’t find her. He was starting to get mad at the thought that she may have left. Then he felt a touch on the back of his arm. He turned around to see her standing right in front of him.

“Hi. I’m Ana Isabel, I’m the assistant editor for…” Ana introduced herself, taking the music industry angle to start their conversation. He mentioned to her that he didn’t have long to stay, so they hid away from everyone at a little table in the back corner of the place. They talked about all the typical getting to know someone stuff, with a music industry, New York City slant. They talked and flirted, touching each other familiarly, leaving no question of what would’ve happened that night if he didn’t have to leave. A couple of hours later, his manager came to drag him away. They exchanged numbers and made each other promise several times that they would hang out when he was back in the city in a few weeks. They also exchanged a deep kiss and a tight embrace, breathing each other in. And they kept their promises to keep in touch.

***

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon. Ana was pacing her apartment, waiting. Nik was supposed to have arrived almost an hour ago. But she knew how the band’s schedules were never exact. An extra pit stop here, a traffic jam there, bus problems… she jumped and laughed at herself at the sound of the door buzzer. Finally!

“Nik?” she spoke into the intercom.

“It’s me babe! Let me in!”

She held the buzzer and opened her door, took one last glance at herself in the mirror. She anxiously listened to his steps coming up the stairwell.

“Hey! God, I always forget what hell your stairs are!” he wheezed out while trying to catch his breath from the five flights. He dropped his bags on the floor and closed the door. She threw her arms around his neck and planted a kiss firmly on his lips. He picked her up a couple inches in a tight squeeze and returned the kiss.

“Mmm…it’s great to see you again!” he said.

“You too, I missed you!” she replied as he placed her feet back on the floor. They kept kissing each other hungrily, as he started inching them towards the bedroom and pulling at her clothes. She pulled away, took his hand and led him straight to the bed.

***

As they lay in her bed together, the afternoon sun shining in on their sweaty, naked bodies, Nik took a breath but didn’t say anything. Ana was laying beside him, her head in the nook of his shoulder, her hand rubbing his bare chest, their legs still tangled together. She could tell he wanted to say something but she didn’t offer any help. He finally said that he wanted to have a serious talk. He felt her tense up a little. She didn’t move or look up at him, but answered with a leery, “Okay…”

He inhaled again, hesitated. “There’s really no smooth way to start this, so I’ll just say it.” He hesitated again, took another breath. Her hand stopped rubbing his chest. She adjusted a leg slightly, and tilted her head so she could see his face.

“What would think about getting serious?”

A definite look of shock and surprise flashed across her face, and he saw it. Now she hesitated. “What do you mean? Like, exclusive serious?”

“Well, yeah,” he replied. “Why shouldn’t we?”

She sat up and turned to face him. He couldn’t quite read the look on her face, but it certainly wasn’t the reaction he had expected. Her brows were a little furrowed, she opened her mouth to say something but then closed it and looked away, like she was thinking. She looked back to him. “I don’t know if that’s possible or practical, Nik.”

“Fuck practical, I love you! You know that. Why do things have to be practical? Nothing about our lives is practical.”

She made a frustrated moaning sound. “You know I love you, too. That’s not the issue. I’m just trying to be realistic here. “ She looked at him, then out the window. She looked back at him. “My stomach still turns when I think about Philly. That little whore in the corset…” She looked away again, concentrated on not letting the tears start. God, why am I getting upset over that again?!

Nik sat up and took her hand, stroked her hair. “I wish to God you hadn’t seen that. I’m sorry, again, I’m sorry. But I’m done with that shit now. I was just thinking the other day about how some of this shit is starting to get old, about how I need some sort of stability, some normalcy… how I need you. I need us… for real. Not as just another empty thing, but something true and real.”

“I don’t know that either one of us is ready to take that next step yet.” She found her tank top at the edge of the bed and pulled it on. They sat there looking at each other for several minutes, not saying anything.

“Fine. Forget it. What time is it? I have to get to sound check.” Nik climbed out of the bed and walked to the bathroom. Ana just sat there on the bed, a little stunned, staring out the window, somewhat confused and worried about what had just happened.

Nik returned from the bathroom and got dressed. “I can stay in the hotel with the guys this weekend if you want. No big deal.” He started walking towards the door.

Ana jumped up from the bed and walked up behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist, the side of her face against his back, forcing him to stop walking. “Don’t be silly, Nik. You’re staying here with me.”

“I don’t know, babe. We’ll see…” he said over his shoulder.

“C’mon… you’re staying with me.”

He pulled her arms loose from himself, picked up his bags and opened the door. He turned to look at her, she was standing right by him in only the tank top, with a distraught look in her eyes. “We’ll see,” he said again. “I have to get to sound check. I’ll see you after the show, right?”

“Yes.” She was barely audible, looking up at him, put her hands on his chest. He took her face in his hands and kissed her hard. She let out a little moan and tried to melt into his body. He hugged her quickly and pulled away.

“I’ve gotta go. See you tonight.” He left. She closed and locked the door behind him, put her head against it and closed her eyes. “I do love you, Nik. I do.” She sighed.

***

The houselights went down, the crowd noise went up. Tonight Nik’s nerves were wound tighter than ever. All he could think about was Ana and their unsuccessful talk. He scanned the crowd for her, saw her standing near the side of the stage with some friends. God she’s beautiful. He lifted his chin and smiled towards her, and gave a little wink, not sure if she’d catch it or if she was even looking.

Ana sighed when he appeared onstage. “God help me but I still get weak in the knees when I see him,” she groaned to her girlfriend, who’d heard about the talk and squeezed Ana’s arm in an understanding way. Before their talk, he’d said he had a surprise for her, but she couldn’t imagine him wanting to give her anything now.

A few songs into the set, Nik announced, “We’re gonna slow things down a little now, we’ve got a new song for ya tonight. I hope you like it.” He put on his acoustic guitar and took a seat on the stool his roadie had set onstage for him. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and began…

It seems so long when I’m away, I think of you every day

I close my eyes and you are here, you hold me close and show no fear

He opened his eyes and found her again. He somehow managed to get the words out and make his fingers work on the guitar. He sang directly to her…

I see your lips, I dream to kiss; your eyes and nose and cheeks I miss

To feel you up against my skin, to smell your hair and breathe you in

Her world was spinning. The club, all the people, the lights and noise all melted into a pale brown blur around her, as a wave washed over her, all the way down to her toes. She was conscious of her heart beating, and then only him. Their gazes were locked as her mind reeled, and he sang another two verses. Her girlfriend took one of her hands and squeezed it, could feel her trembling. Nik continued singing…

Please baby, know you’re mine, I’ll love you ‘til the end of time

And I’ll be yours the whole way through, If only I can be with you

If only I can be with you

“That one was for Ana. I missed you, babe.” Nik kissed his knuckle and pointed his finger out to her. The stage went dark. He walked off to catch his breath and change guitars for the next song.

Ana stood there frozen. She was smiling but had tears in her eyes. Suddenly reality was back. Her breath caught, then refilled her lungs and she remembered to breathe. Then the spotlights were back on him, as the band started into the next song. Nik gave her a quick little wink. She simultaneously loved and hated how she felt whenever she saw him, and how she felt like she would do anything for him if he asked.

***

She had been waiting almost an hour after the show in the crowded dressing room. He was busy signing autographs for fans, saying the obligatory hellos to industry people. Ana was chatting with friends, anxiously watching him do his thing. There were a couple of the “regular” city groupies there, all dolled up in their too tight outfits and layers of makeup. They always made Ana feel a little catty, especially when they were fawning over Nik, like now, but she tried not to let them bother her. One of her west-coast writers who was in town roped her into a conversation she wasn’t really paying attention to. She didn’t want to be rude, though, so she tried to concentrate. Then Nik slid up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, buried his face into her hair and kissed her neck. She stopped dead in the middle of her sentence and leaned her head back into his shoulder. She wrapped her arms along his, around herself, then turned around in his arms and put her hands to either side of his face.

“Fuck practical,” she said. “Let’s get outta here.”

He pulled her close against his body, she slid her arms around his neck and they kissed a deep, urgent kiss. He leaned back and looked at her through that tousled curtain of brown hair, saw her with a seductive smile, looking up into his eyes. They were completely alone, together, in the crowded backstage area. People were bumping into them, a few determined fans still trying to approach him for an autograph, awkwardly hovering, but they didn’t even notice. The band’s manager finally corralled the straggling, jealous groupies out of the dressing room. “Time to go, girls. Let’s go. We’ll see ya next time…” he said, as they all tried not to look too disappointed that they hadn’t snagged a band member that night, and flashed squinty-eyed glares towards Ana.

“Guys, I’m out. We’ll catch up with you tomorrow.” Nik announced to the room. Everyone said their good-byes, their nice-to-see-you-again’s to Ana. The couple pushed their way through the crowd of still-lingering groupies outside the doors. Nik told his manager that he wasn’t going to the hotel with the band, and they hailed a cab back to Ana’s place.